As most of you know, one of my biggest desires currently in my journey is to get pregnant and carry a little a life in me full term. I emphasize full term, as I sometimes fear my inability to do so. But my greatest desire is to always worship Jesus. Always. I want to worship Jesus all day, everyday, and in every situation. When I become fearful or discouraged as I wait on God's timing to become pregnant, my heart becomes weary to worship sometimes.
I have taken 3 pregnancy test in the past 18 days, as I truly believed that I could be pregnant. I knew the first one I took was too early (but was too antsy to wait), and I was hoping that maybe I took my next one too early as well because both of them were negative. This morning I decided to take another pregnancy test since my body (and my mind) were driving me crazy to know if I truly was pregnant. Even though the first tests were negative, I still thought--and hoped--that there was a chance because I was feeling really similar to the first time I got pregnant. This morning the test was negative. Then the dreaded period came along an hour later. My heart hurt. A lot. All I could think was, "why is this happening?" "Why did I have to think I was pregnant for so long and then have similar symptoms as my first pregnancy?" I was so discouraged and just cried out to God in my weakness. "I am so weary God. Waiting for a child feels like so much longer than it really is. Help me to worship you here in this place. I am yours."
I began to sing the song that God gave me after my miscarriage, which I hope to share at some point. But there was another song that ministered to my heart so much as I have been processing my emotions. It is my song right now as I remind myself that "If my heart is overwhelmed, and I cannot hear your voice, I hold onto what is true, though I cannot see. If the storms of life they came and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe. I remind myself of all that you've done. And the life I have because of Your Son. Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free, I am yours, I am forever yours. Mountain high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul, that I am yours, I am forever yours."