Through the journey.

As you have already noticed, my blog is very welcoming into the journey of my life. I am always open to sharing the ups and downs and allowing myself to be vulnerable. There's so much freedom when I allow myself to be vulnerable and real with people instead of trying to hide my fears, insecurities, and struggles.

As most of you know, one of my biggest desires currently in my journey is to get pregnant and carry a little a life in me full term. I emphasize full term, as I sometimes fear my inability to do so. But my greatest desire is to always worship Jesus. Always. I want to worship Jesus all day, everyday, and in every situation. When I become fearful or discouraged as I wait on God's timing to become pregnant, my heart becomes weary to worship sometimes.

I have taken 3 pregnancy test in the past 18 days, as I truly believed that I could be pregnant. I knew the first one I took was too early (but was too antsy to wait), and I was hoping that maybe I took my next one too early as well  because both of them were negative. This morning I decided to take another pregnancy test since my body (and my mind) were driving me crazy to know if I truly was pregnant.  Even though the first tests were negative, I still thought--and hoped--that there was a chance because I was feeling really similar to the first time I got pregnant. This morning the test was negative. Then the dreaded period came along an hour later. My heart hurt. A lot. All I could think was, "why is this happening?" "Why did I have to think I was pregnant for so long and then have similar symptoms as my first pregnancy?" I was so discouraged and just cried out to God in my weakness. "I am so weary God. Waiting for a child feels like so much longer than it really is. Help me to worship you here in this place. I am yours."

I began to sing the song that God gave me after my miscarriage, which I hope to share at some point. But there was another song that ministered to my heart so much as I have been processing my emotions. It is my song right now as I remind myself that "If my heart is overwhelmed, and I cannot hear your voice, I hold onto what is true, though I cannot see. If the storms of life they came and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe. I remind myself of all that you've done. And the life I have because of Your Son. Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free, I am yours, I am forever yours. Mountain high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul, that I am yours, I am forever yours."

I hope this post isn't a complete bummer. I think the beauty of sharing life with others is exposing your weakness and frustrations and allowing yourself to wrestle openly with the things that you wrestle with in private. I am hopeful that there is more to this life. There is still much to celebrate and still much to be thankful for...that post will come at another time soon!