Friday, March 29, 2013


Resurrect: to raise from the dead. What an intense word.

Have you seen anything that was dead, come to life?

This past week, I felt death in me. Obviously not in a literal sense; but I just felt like the fullness of life that I have been given had been partially sucked out of me. I had felt that way for a few weeks and the heaviness of it was lingering and prolonging itself, and I had had enough. I broke down in weakness to my servant husband who pointed me right to Christ. He set up space for me to go sit in my favorite corner of the couch to meet with the One who was resurrected, and could resurrect the fullness of life that was given to me through Him. I spent time talking with God, repenting of depending on my own strength to get myself out of this feeling, and for turning to others and other things before turning to the One who actually BRINGS life. What I've come to realize is that when I choose to run towards Christ, rather than away from him when I am hurting, He meets me there. He is close to the brokenhearted and will reveal himself to those who seek him with all their heart. Within minutes of pouring out my confession and affection to God, He spoke. I could sense He was renewing my heart and my mindset as He brought me to different passages of scripture, with Psalm 116 and Jeremiah 17:5-10 being 2 passages that really convicted me as well as uplifted me. Sometimes I can quickly forget the numerous ways God has blessed me when I allow myself to dwell on the things that are not yet or are not meant to be. These passages of scripture reminded me to lean on Christ, to put my hope and confidence in Him, and to praise Him for all His goodness towards me. The parts of my heart that had felt dead to me were becoming resurrected as God gently spoke over me His truth and I put into practice what His Word told me to.

When my difficult coworker rolled her eyes at me, I thanked God for my job.
When 3 women I know announced their pregnancies in one day, I thanked God for the life he put inside of them.
When my husband didn't do things the way I asked him to, I thanked God for my husband that daily serves me.
When I was exhausted from the busy week, I thanked God that I could find rest in Him.

That's the power of resurrection. It is SO hard to thank God for things when I feel discouraged or frustrated. But through the death and resurrection of Jesus, the veil was torn so that I could speak to the Father and hear from the Father to find renewal and hope.

When remembering what Good Friday represents today, it is with great joy and awe that I know the end of the story. That there is resurrected life! That death and sorrow and darkness are only for a time and out of those things, there is opportunity for NEW life through the power of the resurrected Savior, Jesus!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Through the journey.

As you have already noticed, my blog is very welcoming into the journey of my life. I am always open to sharing the ups and downs and allowing myself to be vulnerable. There's so much freedom when I allow myself to be vulnerable and real with people instead of trying to hide my fears, insecurities, and struggles.

As most of you know, one of my biggest desires currently in my journey is to get pregnant and carry a little a life in me full term. I emphasize full term, as I sometimes fear my inability to do so. But my greatest desire is to always worship Jesus. Always. I want to worship Jesus all day, everyday, and in every situation. When I become fearful or discouraged as I wait on God's timing to become pregnant, my heart becomes weary to worship sometimes.

I have taken 3 pregnancy test in the past 18 days, as I truly believed that I could be pregnant. I knew the first one I took was too early (but was too antsy to wait), and I was hoping that maybe I took my next one too early as well  because both of them were negative. This morning I decided to take another pregnancy test since my body (and my mind) were driving me crazy to know if I truly was pregnant.  Even though the first tests were negative, I still thought--and hoped--that there was a chance because I was feeling really similar to the first time I got pregnant. This morning the test was negative. Then the dreaded period came along an hour later. My heart hurt. A lot. All I could think was, "why is this happening?" "Why did I have to think I was pregnant for so long and then have similar symptoms as my first pregnancy?" I was so discouraged and just cried out to God in my weakness. "I am so weary God. Waiting for a child feels like so much longer than it really is. Help me to worship you here in this place. I am yours."

I began to sing the song that God gave me after my miscarriage, which I hope to share at some point. But there was another song that ministered to my heart so much as I have been processing my emotions. It is my song right now as I remind myself that "If my heart is overwhelmed, and I cannot hear your voice, I hold onto what is true, though I cannot see. If the storms of life they came and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe. I remind myself of all that you've done. And the life I have because of Your Son. Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free, I am yours, I am forever yours. Mountain high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul, that I am yours, I am forever yours."

I hope this post isn't a complete bummer. I think the beauty of sharing life with others is exposing your weakness and frustrations and allowing yourself to wrestle openly with the things that you wrestle with in private. I am hopeful that there is more to this life. There is still much to celebrate and still much to be thankful for...that post will come at another time soon!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The cup

Oh man, life is so fast! There have been multiple times where I want to sit down and write something out of the passion I am experiencing regarding a topic or lesson I am learning. For me, I'm the kind of person who needs to write out of her passions. It's hard for me to just sit and free write because it will be all over the place and I like when things tie together. So, all those things I have wanted to write about lately are just a part of me now and not something bubbling over that I can easily express at this point. I'm sure they will be posted at some point, as God continues to refine me and deepen my understanding of the recent revelations about how God is humbling me with His grace or how an intentional life of mission has been burning in me. But, I want to write about today.

Today I could have wept and worshipped for hours after church (but like I said at the beginning of this post, life is fast and sometimes I miss out on those moments that God is doing something in me, which could be a whole other blog post). But here I am now, in my weak "let's try this again" mindset, processing the Word of God that was spoken today and allowing it to penetrate my very being.

Since God has been humbling me so much regarding my need for grace, I have been asking Him to, especially in this season, remind me of the weight of my sin and the intensity of His sacrifice.

The message at church today was about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane before leading up to his arrest, death, and resurrection. Jesus is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death and three times he prays "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." I have gone to church all growing up, and always read this verse as "Father, I don't want to go through all the pain and torture of being beat and pierced on a cross..."without really looking at what the "this cup" means. But, when Jesus says, "this cup" he means the cup of God's wrath!! WHOA! Like I said, call me a "church-goer since childhood" but I don't remember hearing this emphasized before, or maybe the Holy Spirit was just really highlighting it to me, because I was completely consumed with awe. The overwhelming sorrow due to his anticipation of deep agony was because of the CUP, not the cross. Now, I'm sure he wasn't looking forward to the beatings or death on a cross, but his intense prayers that lead to sweating blood was because of the CUP!

The cup of God's wrath is filled with God's fury towards OUR sin. The sinless Savior willingly endures the wrath of God that WE deserve as sinners! God knew His rescue plan for mankind since before time began which was to sacrifice His only Son (and ultimately himself, when looking at the trinity) in order to save mankind.

I was in tears as we spent time singing to the One who drank every last drop from the cup for me...and for you!

There's no greater love than this.