Off Days

6:00am alarm goes off. Sore, swollen throat. Swollen lymph nodes. Plugged up nose.

"Mike, I don't feel the greatest, I don't think I can go to work."
"Sweetie I'm sorry, try drinking some water and sitting up, that could help."
I replied with a blunt "NO. I'm staying home."

It was one of those days. One of those days when I woke up and I felt off from the get go. I was not in the mindset to go to work where I would be serving kids that would drool on me, most likely bite me, and rub their snotty noses on me. Now, that's not how I would usually describe my job---but that's how I did this morning. I didn't want to serve. I didn't want to pour out. I felt burnt out.

That's what happens when I live on my own strength. I feel off. I wasn't meant to live on my own strength.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

**Wow. The second I typed that the music in the background sang that verse. Yup, God must be banging that message from a gong to me. 

Every morning for the past 10 days I have been too tired to wake up to spend time with God. This is SO crucial for me to do. I don't have it in to me to go to work where I treat severely multiply impaired kids, to love my husband, to prepare him dinner after a long day, to take care of the house, all in my own strength. This morning I felt it. I knelt before God feeling the distance that I had put between us. The distance that puts the weight on me to get things done and to do them well. But I don't have much--I don't have anything--to offer in my own strength. I have to come to Jesus everyday for my daily bread to sustain me. His Word, His prayer, for us speaks of this as he asks for us to ask for our daily bread. He gives us all that we need for one day at a time, and I have to come back for more the next day. So today I spent the day doing what I would do with anyone that I am trying to reconnect with. I spent time with God. I spoke to Him and made time to listen. May I continue to come to Him in my weakness, even on my "strongest" days.

When Love Flooded In

My intimate and personal story of a life that was given and taken away, and how strength was given to say BLESSED BE YOUR NAME! This is not to testify to anything that I could have ever done in my own strength, but to magnify the name of God and proclaim that God is undeniably present with the brokenhearted.

There has never been a day that I was more excited to pee. November 14 I peed on that “magical” stick and 2 lines appeared…two significant lines that brought me to my knees with complete awe and excitement. I was pregnant!

I had dreamed of this day since I was like….12. Haha.  I pulled out the baby name list that I have been adding to since I was 13, I started furiously pinning ideas on pinterest, and I started brainstorming all the fun ways I would tell my family and friends this thrilling news.

But then it set in…fear. Ya know, that paralyzing emotion that the devil tries to use to rob you of joy and trip you up in trusting God’s best. Thoughts like “what if I lose the baby?” “What if my child is like so many of my current patients, born severely multiply impaired?” and then guilt “don’t mess this up…if something wrong happens it will be your fault” and “you don’t deserve a blessing like this”.

Those thoughts would consume me in the night and in the morning--during my weakest hours.  I asked for prayer warriors to surround me and prayed with a friend rebuking those lies and fears and I was set free. God whispered to me “I work all things together for your good, according to my purposes.” And at that moment and multiple times again I told God “Every day you give me with this precious gift of life, I surrender him/her to you because they are yours and for your glory.”

We had told many friends and immediate family about our exciting news and everyone was ecstatic for us! We were really looking forward to making our big public announcement in a couple more weeks at Christmas. We wanted everyone to join our celebration!

Until that time, I started singing songs to our baby and coming up with many nicknames for him/her J I started to imagine the memories we would make together with the simple moments and the first milestones. Oooh how I couldn’t wait for my first ultrasound so that reality would set in more, that life was REALLY in me!

December 19 was the day I was anticipating. There I laid, the doctor applying the ice cold gel below my belly button and there he was (I kept thinking our baby was a boy), with a little figure that I could already decipher body parts--his head, body, and even his little arms. Streams rolled down my face as I looked in awe at our precious little baby. AND better yet, there was the tiny little pulse, giving me a peace of mind that our little babe was as he should be. The tears strolled even more. “Oh God, what a miraculous blessing that I am carrying in my womb!”  We were told our baby’s due date was July 19, 2013; we were 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

On the way home, we stopped at the store to frame the pictures of the ultrasound for our parents for Christmas—we knew it would be a heart-warming gift.

Two days later (December 21) Mike and I made our way to Lansing as we were going to celebrate Christmas early with my family.  That night I had a little bit of spotting and felt uneasy. I called the doctor that was on call that night and he said spotting was pretty normal and he felt confident and hopeful for me as I had just had an ultrasound on Wednesday and there was a heartbeat. I held onto that and chose to not let myself be consumed with thoughts of fear. I slept great that night and felt fine the next morning.

That next day when it came time to open up presents with my family, I started having sharp cramps that came out of no where. Again I called my doctor and he explained to me that as the uterus is stretching that it can be more painful for some women. He told me that since I was not bleeding he didn’t have concern at this point.

The cramps became unbearable and my family thought it would be a good idea to go to the emergency room in order to give me a peace of mind that everything was ok and to see if there was anything I could do to minimize the pain. The pain remained at a level that I had never experienced before. I had blood work done and a pelvic exam and they said that things were looking ok at this point. I had to go to the bathroom and I had some more spotting than previously. Deep breath…“God works all things together for my good, according to His purposes.”

I went back to my room and the nurse was ready to take me to get an ultrasound. I was excited and nervous to see my precious baby again. I kept praying that everything was going to be ok. The technician spent a long time assessing me with the ultrasound tool and my heart began to drop. I kept telling myself, “Everything was fine just 3 days ago…they can’t be wrong now”, trying to cling to all the hope I had left. I softly asked her “How is everything looking?” and she responded, “I’m just the picture taker, the doctor has to review the pictures.” My stomach instantly began to ache…beyond the intense cramps I was experiencing. “Oh God, please let everything be ok!!!”

They wheeled me back to my room and my PA told me she was waiting to look at the pictures from the ultrasound with the doctor. My PA had to only be 26 or so, and she was so sweet while taking care of me throughout the day. When she came back to my room her eyes were red and it didn’t take long for her to speak these words choking back tears, “You are the last person I would want to say this to, but the baby had no heart beat. You are going through a miscarriage right now”….(she continued talking but I couldn’t hear her until she ended with this), “I want you to know right now that this is not your fault.” She left to give me some time with Mike and my mom.

The transition of her telling me the news and leaving the room was surreal, but this is a peek into what I felt. Deep sorrow and loss met with deep peace and comfort. As my husband held me and cried with me, I knew God was in that room. All the nicknames, memories, and dreams we had with our baby raced through my head, but God’s love flooded my heart.

The deep emotional pain quickly met with deep physical pain as I now understood that the cramps I was experiencing were contractions that were meant to pass the baby that I would never get to hold.

But I went back to the words God had spoken over me “I work all things together for your good, according to my purposes.” So I laid there in my husband’s arms in the hospital bed, with tear stained cheeks, staring off, allowing myself to rest in the comfort that God so tenderly provided me.

“My dear child, I have your child…remember how the song ‘better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere’ played multiple times throughout this week? My dear child those words were to prepare you, your child is in my courts.”

Wow. More tears softly fell down my face. The best day I could ever provide my child, the greatest achievement they could ever experience, did not even compare to the brilliance my baby is experiencing in heaven.  No pain, no heartache, no sickness (all things that I would want to protect my precious child from) will never touch him. I’m crying over that reality even as I type this.

As God whispered those words over me as well as bringing many songs and passages of scripture to mind, I knew that I wanted to use this loss as a way to minister to others---and I have gotten many of those opportunities already.

They eventually discharged me from the emergency room and over the following 12 hours, I went through tremendous physical pain as I waited to pass the baby. But even then, I knew God was there (and not only that, but my husband was such a beautiful representation of Christ as he held me, cried with me, and prayed for me each step of the way).

**I won’t give the physical details here, but want to offer that if you know of any women in the future who have a miscarriage, I would be honored to help them walk through their loss physically, emotionally, and spiritually. **

Over the next few days I got such encouraging words from friends and family. It was amazing the support that surrounded me. I do not regret for one minute sharing our news “too early” as some may say. Having loved ones pray for me and embrace me and Mike during this time has blessed us so much! God even used people who didn’t even know I was pregnant to speak to me in miraculous ways. He used a first grader and a dear lady I’ve never even met from a different country to speak life and hope over my womb, and neither one of them knew that I was pregnant! Wow, my God is good!!!

OK, so I can’t help but share my sweetest and most intimate detail about my baby that God shared with me. The way that God so compassionately cares for us is so astonishing! Now, this was something that I might have thought was weird in the past, as I couldn’t wrap my mind around it; but a friend of mine who had a miscarriage a few years ago prayed with me and told me that God told her the name of her baby. Knowing the baby’s name was not even something that crossed my mind because I wasn’t sure what the gender was (although, as I shared previously, I had my “motherly instinct” that we were going to have a boy).  I still hadn’t thought much about what our baby’s name was, but God had. So, this friend of mine was praying for me and she said “God, I thank you that this baby is a warrior, that this baby is in heaven warring in the spiritual realm and interceding for Carly and her and Mike’s future children.” Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to think about that…it brought tears to my eyes to think about, but I also thought, “is that really what my baby could be doing in heaven?” So I prayed about it on my own separately later on.

So going back some, as I had mentioned previously, a woman from a different country who I have never met spoke hope and life over my womb. This woman is my best friend’s mom (my best friend is an international student, so I’ve never gotten to meet her mom before). She didn’t know I was pregnant yet and she called Veronica on the day I was having my miscarriage and shared with her she was praying and had a vision of me with grain seedlings in my womb. Veronica told her that I had been pregnant but was currently going through a miscarriage, but her mom said, “Tell Carly, that there WILL be life in her…she has seeds of life in her!” TEARS….LOTS OF TEARS….God sees us and God uses His people to speak life into our situations. HALLELUJAH!!!

So anyway, going back to the name (I’m sorry if this seems dragged out, all of these details are significant!), I was sitting at dinner with a group of friends and out of the blue the name “Graham” popped in my head. Mike, knowing that I’ve been passing baby names by him since we were engaged, just nodded and said, “yeah, that’s a cool name.” At this point, I didn’t mean for it to be the name of our baby we had to wait to hold, but for a future baby. Later that night I googled the meaning of the name Graham and the top two meanings I could find were GRAIN and WARRING!! “Are you kidding me God?” I wept as God showed me that the most intimate details matter to him. So, that is his name, our precious boy’s name is Graham.

Sweet Graham, I want to say you left too soon, too early

But instead I know that you are in the place that God intended earth to be

I will never forget the day, the tremendous loss on December 23^rd 

But how just two days later I could celebrate the LIFE we have through our Savior’s birth

The arms you are in are greater than mine could ever be

And one day I WILL get to hold you, the one who has been warring

I will join you in playing in the streets of gold

And I will join you on my knees in bowing low

To the King of Kings who is worthy and who reigns

To Him who was so very present, when love flooded in

New Job Journey

I am a details person, so please bare with my tendency to become long winded haha! But seriously, this story is a great testimony of God’s perfect plans.

“What’s your dream job, Carly?” has been a question asked by many since I have graduated.

(My BIG dream job is actually not in the field of Occupational Therapy, but I know that I’m not in a place or pursuing that job yet. I still absolutely love Occupational Therapy though and feel so blessed to be in a field that I really do enjoy.)

So besides that tangent that I went on ;) I always respond with, “My dream job would be working as an Occupational Therapist in a school system.”

As I have shared this with other Occupational Therapists that I have networked with, there is a common message of, “You’re probably going to have to pursue other areas first because getting into the school system is really tough, that’s where almost every pediatric OT wants to be.”

So I pursued a job at Pine Rest, where I had my internship and truly loved as well. I love my patients at Pine Rest….A LOT! Ask my husband, he hears me go on and on about them (without personal information of course!). So that is where I have been working since I graduated.

So fast forward, and I took my Occupational Therapy boards in the middle of August. I found out that I failed and was so devastated. I had missed it by 2 questions…TWO QUESTIONS! AH!

The day after I found out I failed my exam, I got a phone call from a principal in the Grand Rapids Public School System.

“Hi, is this Carly Stender?”

“Yes, it is, may I ask who’s calling?”

“Hi, my name is Jean Allard. I am the principal at Ken O Sha. I recently got your name and some information about you from an OT in the district that you have been talking with. He said you wanted to work in the schools, and I am interested in you applying to the OT position at my school. Our OT just notified us of her resignation.”

I told her that I was taking the exam in 45 days (that’s how long I had to wait) and so she stated that they would keep me in mind but that they were going to have to open the position to others as well.

We kept in touch during the 45 days and she shared that Human Resources still hadn’t gotten to the interviewing process. I went and took a tour there to see what it was like. Honestly, I was intimidated and got terrified of the idea of working there actually haha. There were some really involved patients and I felt like such a baby walking in there and thinking that people would be coming to ME for my “expertise.” I figured that they would start the interviewing process before I took the exam though, so I thought that I would be let off the hook.

I prayed, “God, this job terrifies me. Please just close this door if I’m not supposed to work there.”

Fast forward some more and I took my exam on October 10. On October 10 after my exam I got a call from the principal. “Hi Carly, we are starting the interview process next week, are you still interested in an interview?”

I could not believe that the job was still open!! SO, I scheduled an interview (OH and then I found out I PASSED THE EXAM!!)

My interview was….ok. Haha, I did not feel good about the interview actually. It was very straight forward and all about situations (which can be hard to answer when you’re just starting your profession). They interviewed 4 people for this job and the person before me and after me were both older women, who looked like they probably had a TON more experience than me.

As a part of this interview they asked me how long it would take to get my license now that I passed my exam. Most of my classmates shared that it took 3-4 weeks, so that’s what I told them. They said they wanted to fill this position as soon as possible, and so that that time frame might not work for them.

I left the interview feeling disappointed (since this was the door  to get into my DREAM job as a school OT) but felt relieved as well because I knew this job would really challenge me and stretch me out of my comfort zone for sure.

One day later I got my license in the mail!!! This 3-4 week process took ONE week for me! I was shocked! Everything seemed to be lining up!! They pursued ME for this job from the beginning, they started the interview process at the perfect timing for me, AND I got my license a lot sooner than expected. However, I truly did not think I would be offered the job because of being a new graduate.

The morning after I got my license in the mail, I got a phone call from the principal asking about my license and I told her that I got it in the mail already! With excitement she shared, “well that works out perfectly because we would like to offer you the job!!!”

WHAT?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me??? I literally was speechless for 10 seconds. She sounded really confused when I was stumbling over the words I was trying to find to say haha. I seriously had a “speech” all thought up of what I would say after she declined the job offer.

So here I am. Walking in God’s goodness…walking in God’s perfect plan, starting my dream job on November 5. I am honored and terrified all at the same time J

Wedding Day

Recently I had a vision of twirling around with Jesus. It was bliss. Lately, I have been blessed to be in a season where I truly feel like I have just simply been enjoying Jesus and allowing myself to receive his affections toward me. Now this may sound "ultra spiritual" and "fluffy" to some, as I hope that there are all different kinds of people who read my blog; but to be completely real with you all, this season has brought me such deep joy, peace, and refreshment and I hope you can one day experience this as well.

For the past year God has been stripping me of my pride and self sufficiency. It was hard. painful. refining. I needed it, I needed it bad. I have loved Jesus since a young age and so I often thought I "had it together."I wanted to just depend on myself and not have to be weak. I wanted to receive the glory and recognition for what GOD alone had done through me as His vessel. But my good deeds were still like filthy rags to him (Isaiah 64:6).

When I picture Isaiah 64:6 for myself, I picture myself in my wedding dress (white, pure, radiant) and doing one of those Trash the Dress sessions and presenting myself in a completely muddy, stained, no longer white, wedding dress. My wedding dress, something that was so pure and lovely to me, was covered in filth. This is how I was before God. When spending time with God I wanted to tell him "but look, I'm wearing white, it's there somewhere." But, it is ONLY through the blood of Jesus that I have been made pure and lovely.

I want to present myself to my King, my Groom in white. I have already done that to my incredible husband, Mike, who daily portrays Christ's love. But I know one day I will be united with The Groom, the One that saved me, the One that calls me His Beloved. My wedding day with Mike took preparation (not just with the logistics and decorations for the day, but with my heart) and my wedding day with Christ takes preparation. As Christ has been sanctifying me throughout my years of following him, especially this past year of being refined, he is preparing me for our wedding day.

I've been listening to a song by Cory Asbury and Allyson Prior called Shine (check it out!) and  it gives such beautiful words to what Jesus says to us about the preparation. This song means so much to me as I have seen breakthrough with some areas of sin for the past couple months.

The song says, "You don't have to look on the past and remember your sin, because I have washed it all away. As far as the east is from the west, so have I removed your sin from you. I've thrown it away in the sea of forgetfulness. You don't need to dwell there any longer. You have the victory because I have the victory. I have conquered it."

It has been amazing to be able to move forward in freedom, that I don't need to sit in condemnation but that Christ's blood is enough to wash me. That in my filthy wedding dress, I am made white. The next part of the song talks about preparation for the Wedding Day.

"I've clothed you in garments of white, my Beloved. I'm making you ready. I'm preparing you for that day. It's all about the wedding day, on the day when I return. I can't wait for that day, My Bride. I will claim you as my own. You are going to shine. We are going to spend eternity together."

So this is what it's all about for me.

"There is going to be a wedding. It's the reason that I'm living--to marry the Lamb."

Behold the Lamb, who takes away the sin of the world. John 1:29

Test

This is just a test. I have had some friends share that they leave comments and then they don't show up. So please just leave a simple comment so I can see if I can get the issue checked out.

Thanks :)

More blogging to come...

I'm baaaaack....again!

So if you have followed my blog for any amount of time, you will be quick to see that I have been SO inconsistent with this thing! Like....SO inconsistent!

The thing is, I found myself looking to my blog (along with too many other things) as a place to fulfill my selfish desire to be seen and noticed.

If only I could write up some fancy piece about humility, or offer a killer recipe...well not literally killer ;) or show a "sweet" art project I was doing on my own, than MAYBE more people would be drawn to who I was.

BARF.

Loneliness sucks. It sure does. But so does pride and so does a lifestyle of performance.

It is JESUS CHRIST I want others to be drawn to.

God has so kindly and gently brought me to a deeper place of humility and dependence on Him as I learn to trust His faithfulness and provision. I have been through a season of being lonely, stagnant, and honestly...ungrateful.

BUT God (in His perfection) has so sweetly and richly blessed me. I often tell other people this, but now I have learned to preach it to myself, and I am seeing it come to pass: "You will one day live in the fruit of the season you are in."Out of this trying season I've had for the past year, I have learned so many things!

Things like...
-Jesus is my FRIEND and I can count on him
-It is not God who leaves me, but rather, I am the one who tries to make it without Him
-How to be thankful in all circumstances (I have really been in a season of embracing this, and let me tell you, life is SO much better when you choose to live this way!!)
-God knows what He is doing
-God is faithful
-God cares about the things that are important to us
-How to worship for HIS glory
-How to intimately follow Christ behind closed doors
-AND...That I am a DAUGHTER of the Most High King...meaning that I have authority and that God's goodness and unfailing love will surely follow me all the days of my life! HALLELUJAH!

So here I am...for now. I hope to be back to blogging (if I can keep my heart in check about it), because truly I love writing and testifying to what the Lord is doing in my life and in the lives around me. So friends, I am studying 1 Peter for the month of October and it is rockin my world. I'll be back at some point to share with you :)

I want to be louder

WARNING: This may be offensive. Please trust my heart and my intentions to speak all of this in love and conviction for myself included.


So, I'm a pretty loud person. When I say that I mean, I have a loud laugh, I talk really loud when I get enthusiastic (which is about a lot of things) and I've had many people tell me they can tell when I'm around. Now with that, I don't feel like I'm usually loud in an offensive way, and never want to be considered that, but nonetheless may still come off that way with this blog post.


So I live in Grand Rapids now and it's a cool and fun city (but sorry folks, there's still no place like Kalamazoo to me). Anyway, there are some things I really enjoy about this city..like downtown, all the options for EVERYTHING--food, hobbies, recreation, community involvement, neighborhoods, etc. I value the way this city has really expanded and grown into a "well oiled machine" per say and has really become a hot spot.
However, my biggest pain, biggest frustration, biggest heart ache about this city is the sense of religiosity and self-righteousness that I have experienced either hurting me or hurting others. Now, I want to justify this by expressing that Jesus can't stand this either. He often corrected the Pharisees and those who were self-righteous. I also want to clarify that I'm not here to point fingers or to say who is self righteous and speak against the church. I am a part of the church, which is the body of Christ, and I will not let Christ be defamed because of how others misrepresent him, because I am guilty of it as well.


What I want to express is that I have come in contact with SO many people that do not want anything to do with Jesus or the Church because of the people who claim to be Christians. This issue breaks my heart so, so much and I often catch myself dwelling on it because of how it pains me. People have told me of the ways they have been hurt by the Church, the body of Christ, because of the judgment and self-righteousness that they convey. Church---Body of Christ, this should NOT be the case! I am SO tired of people hearing the word Christian and thinking (judgmental, hateful, self righteous, hypocritical, legalistic). I mean gosh, the word Christian means FOLLOWER OF CHRIST! Now, I want to show grace to every single Christian out there by expressing that I know none of us will ever be perfect and we are all going to mess up and say and do things that are hurtful to others--I understand that. But our love for each other and our love for others should far outweigh the hurt we cause because we have the Living God that is Perfect Love inside of us. 


The people who are misrepresenting Christ  seem to be so much louder than the people who are aiming to represent Christ---and I want to be louder.
I want to be louder than the people who speak out against the unchurched or the unsaved.
I want to be louder than the Christians who speak out against the churched, the Body of Christ, their own brothers and sisters for goodness sakes.
I want to be louder than the people who speak out against Christians saying they are judgmental, self-righteous, unloving.
I want to be louder.
I don't want to be afraid of calling myself a Christian because of the negative connotation that goes with it. It seems like everyone is getting louder with their opinions and lifestyles and passions and there are too many people who aim to represent Christ who are being quiet out of fear of being misunderstood. But it is time for us to make some noise! I want to be loud enough that the name of Christ is lifted high! I want Christ to be glorified and for people to draw near to him, because truly, I believe once people know the love of Christ, they won't be able to resist him.