I want to be louder

WARNING: This may be offensive. Please trust my heart and my intentions to speak all of this in love and conviction for myself included.


So, I'm a pretty loud person. When I say that I mean, I have a loud laugh, I talk really loud when I get enthusiastic (which is about a lot of things) and I've had many people tell me they can tell when I'm around. Now with that, I don't feel like I'm usually loud in an offensive way, and never want to be considered that, but nonetheless may still come off that way with this blog post.


So I live in Grand Rapids now and it's a cool and fun city (but sorry folks, there's still no place like Kalamazoo to me). Anyway, there are some things I really enjoy about this city..like downtown, all the options for EVERYTHING--food, hobbies, recreation, community involvement, neighborhoods, etc. I value the way this city has really expanded and grown into a "well oiled machine" per say and has really become a hot spot.
However, my biggest pain, biggest frustration, biggest heart ache about this city is the sense of religiosity and self-righteousness that I have experienced either hurting me or hurting others. Now, I want to justify this by expressing that Jesus can't stand this either. He often corrected the Pharisees and those who were self-righteous. I also want to clarify that I'm not here to point fingers or to say who is self righteous and speak against the church. I am a part of the church, which is the body of Christ, and I will not let Christ be defamed because of how others misrepresent him, because I am guilty of it as well.


What I want to express is that I have come in contact with SO many people that do not want anything to do with Jesus or the Church because of the people who claim to be Christians. This issue breaks my heart so, so much and I often catch myself dwelling on it because of how it pains me. People have told me of the ways they have been hurt by the Church, the body of Christ, because of the judgment and self-righteousness that they convey. Church---Body of Christ, this should NOT be the case! I am SO tired of people hearing the word Christian and thinking (judgmental, hateful, self righteous, hypocritical, legalistic). I mean gosh, the word Christian means FOLLOWER OF CHRIST! Now, I want to show grace to every single Christian out there by expressing that I know none of us will ever be perfect and we are all going to mess up and say and do things that are hurtful to others--I understand that. But our love for each other and our love for others should far outweigh the hurt we cause because we have the Living God that is Perfect Love inside of us. 


The people who are misrepresenting Christ  seem to be so much louder than the people who are aiming to represent Christ---and I want to be louder.
I want to be louder than the people who speak out against the unchurched or the unsaved.
I want to be louder than the Christians who speak out against the churched, the Body of Christ, their own brothers and sisters for goodness sakes.
I want to be louder than the people who speak out against Christians saying they are judgmental, self-righteous, unloving.
I want to be louder.
I don't want to be afraid of calling myself a Christian because of the negative connotation that goes with it. It seems like everyone is getting louder with their opinions and lifestyles and passions and there are too many people who aim to represent Christ who are being quiet out of fear of being misunderstood. But it is time for us to make some noise! I want to be loud enough that the name of Christ is lifted high! I want Christ to be glorified and for people to draw near to him, because truly, I believe once people know the love of Christ, they won't be able to resist him.

The Human

There is something that I'm seeing in my generation. Something great, but something that I also feel like can be used as a cover up.

Save the trees.
Rescue the slaves.
End sex/human trafficking.
Recycle.
Help the poor.
World peace.
Be accepting of everyone.

I am definitely for those things, and am involved with some things to intentionally make a difference. BUT...yes there is a BUT...what I see that is lacking is focusing on an individual. (Disclaimer: I am identifying myself as having this issue too)

It's easier to be for humanity than for the human.

What I see happening is that so many people in this generation are doing something for humanity and patting themselves on the back for it (which once again, I really do appreciate and value) BUT then we give the finger to the guy who cuts us off in traffic...or we disrespect our parents...or we gossip about the coworker/classmate that we can't stand...or we trash talk the person who has an opposing view than us. Why is it that we can feel so good about ourselves for serving a meal to the poor, raising money to end human trafficking, and advocating for a minority group but than when it comes to the individuals in our life we can quickly walk past their needs or walk all over their dignity.

We talk about how we should "love the least of these" as if they have to be far off somewhere...or that it's an event. AN EVENT. An event can't replace our daily command to "love the least of these" or to "love your neighbor as yourself."

I believe loving the human is the beginning to being able to reach humanity. Let's not be known as a generation that just seeks to serve and love humanity, but one that does so for the human----the neighbor, the mom or dad, the sibling, the coworker, the classmate, the stranger, the waitress, the cashier, the customer service representative, the enemy. Who are you going to be intentional about serving and loving today?

Let the winds blow.

Awake, O north wind, and come, O south! blow upon my garden, that its spices may flow out.  Let My beloved come to His garden and eat its pleasant fruits Song of Songs 4:16

When reading Song of Songs, there can be a deeper understanding of intimacy. Some read it as physical intimacy, but it can be seen as spiritual intimacy as well. The first four chapters of Song of Songs focuses on the Bride of Christ's journey towards understanding and enjoying her inheritance in Christ. These chapters emphasize how God views and desires  her.

Here is an explanation I found regarding Song of Songs 4:16 that I really liked (mikebickle.org)

A. The Bride now has enough confidence in God's goodness to offer a 2 fold prayer. She prays for both the north winds of adversity and the south winds of blessing. She knew that both played a strategic role in her becoming a fragrant garden for God's pleasure.

B. Awake, O north wind – this speaks of the bitter cold wind of testing and difficulty. This prayer is answered in Song 5:3-7 as she goes through what I call “the ultimate 2-fold test”.

C. Come, O south wind – her second prayer is that Jesus send the refreshing winds of blessing to mature her. Only God has the wisdom to know the right combination of the north and the south winds that are necessary in each season of our life. Only God knows our makeup and destiny.

D. Blow upon my garden – she wants the garden of her heart and ministry to be deeply affected. Deep pockets of our unperceived pride, ambition, and anger, etc. are uncovered to us as we work under difficult circumstances. That its spices may flow out – she desires to be filled with God's 

fragrant Presence. In other words, she wants to grow in love. 

E. Let my Beloved come to His garden – is the transition from her garden to His garden. She desires to be totally God’s. She wants an anointing of consecration. She sees her life and ministry as "His" garden instead of hers. Jesus has an inheritance in the church (Eph. 1:18). This is the turning point in the Song. For the first 4 chapters it was her inheritance, from now on it is His. Let my Beloved eat its pleasant fruits – that Jesus might enjoy what the Spirit has worked in her.

Jesus has really been bringing my heart to this place of singing "whatever's in front of me, I'll sing hallelujah". I just want Jesus to have it all. He deserves it all. 

Withdrawals

Facebook withdrawals. Yes, they exist...and yes I realize that is pathetic.

I have gone off facebook for 3 days now, and I have been SO tempted to get on and use it. I will admit, I have gotten on a few times because I'm planning a baby shower, but that's all I've done on there. How ridiculous is it that I am tempted to stay on longer and scan through people's lives?

But yeah, there's my honesty with you all as I push through this need to be involved in everyone's lives in order to feel valued and significant.

On a side note, I am currently interning at Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services. I am just in my first week there, and I have already met so many fascinating and interesting people. They are dealing with schizophrenia, bipolar, major depression, mood disorders, and all sorts of psychotic disorders. AND...a lot of them are dealing with withdrawals. It's so easy to turn to something of this world as an escape..and I know that to be true in my life as I've shared.

As I've been meeting with them God has given me some great opportunities to minister to them and to speak into their lives that God loves them, He has plans for them, that they have purpose and are special in the eyes of the Creator. It's been an amazing experience so far and I still have 11 more weeks to go!

God, as you work in my heart to rid me of the things I escape to for value, identity, and instant gratification, I pray that your love would not only transform my life, but the lives of my patients as well. That together we would see that a life fixed on you is full and satisfying--that YOU as our Creator are all that we need and that we would rest in that and walk fully in who you've made us to be.

I'm clearly bad at this :)

So my ambitions of being a blogger just aren't doing so hot ha. I love to journal and I want to share what's going on in my life and what God is doing in it, but keeping up with this has been too much for me to handle I guess. I have felt like I needed to be embarking on something or beginning something in order to start back up so that I know where to begin. The idea of trying to fill you in on the last several months of my life is OVERWHELMING to me! So instead, I am starting with a clean slate with a beginning. So here it is: my passionate, vulnerable, broken, yet redeemed journey I am taking in this season that God has been calling me to for a while now. 


“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. “In that day,” declares the LORD, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master.’ Hosea 2:14-16

The Book of Hosea is a prophetic accounting of God’s relentless love for His children. Since the beginning of time God’s ungrateful and undeserving creation has been accepting God’s love, grace, and mercy while still unable to refrain from its wickedness. The last part of Hosea shows how God’s love once again restores His children as He forgets their misdeeds when they turn back to Him with a repentant heart. 


My heart so often turns to other things to satisfy my soul. God's love, grace, and mercy are always before me, and I choose to invest in temporary gratifications. Since I've moved to Grand Rapids, I've had to really reevaluate my identity as I'm no longer in the "limelight" so to speak in any type of ministry or leadership role. To overcome the feelings of missing that season of life, I've turned to things such as Facebook, pinterest, and obsessive home making (seriously, ridiculous ha), to establish an identity for myself outside of what Christ sees in me.


You see, spending hours scanning through my newsfeed, or the pinterest pages, and decorating and redecorating my house have shown to be replacements to find my value, rather than persevering through the wilderness to allow Christ to allure me and reveal my identity to me. 


Too often my relationship with God has become legalistic, where my feelings about how God sees me are based on my performance and how much I've done for Him rather than embracing the grace and salvation I've received.   I want to know the fullness of Christ and that I am full and complete in him alone. I know this will be a life journey, BUT in this season...however long it takes, I want a greater revelation of this. So I'm taking some time off facebook and am only using Pinterest on the weekends since these are my biggest distractions. It's time I respond to the invitation that God has sent me.


Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1

Back at it.

Sooo...like some people, I've had every intention to keep up with this blog and have failed miserably! It has been since JANUARY that I've posted..YIKES.

I am an extrovert, so it is helpful for me to process things by expressing myself. This makes blogging helpful for me, and hopefully through the journey God takes me through some of my thoughts are helpful to you too :)

So now I'm back at it.

To try and fill you all in on what God has done in my life since January would require me to write a novel haha. So I will just post an update of where I'm at now.

As I had written in January, there were many changes that were possibly to come. Well, those changes have come. Mike is a full time staff intern with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at Grand Valley State University, so we have relocated to Grand Rapids, MI. I have joined volunteer staff for the semester with him and am leading and training the worship team as well as mentoring 5 girls. I am also finishing up my last semester of classes for my Masters degree in Occupational Therapy, and then I will head off to two different full time internships from January-June.

This transitions has caused me to come face to face with a lot of the insecurities that I've been able to push under the rug for a while now. It has been humbling, painful at times, and refining. But seriously, God is molding me into who He created me to be so I truly see this season of my life as beautiful--even though it sure doesn't feel that way some days.

As the title of my blog says, "Identified", that is exactly what God is continuing to teach me but more intensely. God is teaching me that I am identified as a princess, not a pauper; that I am unique, not someone that needs to duplicate someone else; that I can depend on my God that is constant, not my emotions.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet for now. More will be unraveled as time goes on. But my hope is that as I continue to seek and find my identity in Christ, you too would find yourself discovering how God sees you and who He made you to be.

Turn My Eyes

My Christmas Break is ending and the New Year is beginning.

This year has a new theme for me. Turn your eyes to Jesus. Now that may sound a little odd, like, wasn't that what you were or should have been doing all along? Ha. Well I wish it was what I did more often...but now it has gone to a deeper level for me.

As I look at the different heart issues, changes, and inevitable trials that will come this year I want to turn my eyes to Jesus each morning to start my day.

Heart Issues
So as my church says...if you have a pulse, you have issues. There are areas of my life that I need healing in, such as how I see myself and my struggle with comparing myself to others. With a combination of having Words of Affirmation for my main love language (check out 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman) and comparing myself to others, I can often find myself desiring to do things to GET those words of affirmation. I want all I do to be done for Christ alone though. I want to be satisfied in just knowing that Christ is pleased with me. When I feel unappreciated or bring myself down due to a lack of words of affirmation, I want to TURN MY EYES TO JESUS. I heard a sermon recently by John Piper that said, "Do you feel more loved when Christ makes much of you or when he allows you to make much of him?" That hit me so much...I want all that I do to make much of him even if I don't get any credit for it because it is Christ who works in me to do anything good.


Changes
There are some certain and potential changes that I know of this year that will put me in a position to turn me eyes to Jesus. I am starting a new fieldwork placement (similar to an internship for 10 hrs a week) at a nursing facility and unfortunately I'm not really looking forward to it. I have never done Occupational Therapy type of treatment with older adults before so I will need to TURN MY EYES TO JESUS every morning for wisdom and strength to do things I don't feel confident in.
A potential change this year is that Mike and I might be moving (when and where will be TBD). Mike has applied to join Intervarsity Staff on a college campus (which is the campus ministry we have been involved in all of college). We are looking at colleges in the West Michigan region so I would commute to campus 2-3 days a week next semester and then my last semester of college is a full time internship so I would choose a location in the city we are placed. This is REALLY exciting but is also going to be a transition that may have its ups and downs as we say bye to things we know and love and I will need to TURN MY EYES TO JESUS--catching onto the theme? :)

Inevitable Trials
Another issue of mine is that I often depend on my own strength to do something, when God readily offers His strength (which is FAR more than mine) to do anything we need to do that day. When trials come--and they do...I need to TURN MY EYES TO JESUS...He has all that I need whether I'm in a trial or having the best day of my life.

I'm excited for this year and all that God has in store! I don't know all that it will bring but I DO know that I will be needing to turn my eyes to Jesus daily.